I think i peed on brittanys purse
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Sorry about my life...
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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