Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
