I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
