So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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