I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
