I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
