TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Randomize
