Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
