She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
