i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Can I color on your dick again?
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
