Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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