Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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