Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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