I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Randomize
