DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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