Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize
