Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
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