i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Randomize
