made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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