I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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