That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Randomize
