sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
it glows. i had to have it.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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