Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
just come out here and I will go home with you...
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
