If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
