My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
