I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
