He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
