apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
