He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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