there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
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