How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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