Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Randomize
