She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
