if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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