I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Randomize
