Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
