I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
