Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
