Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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