Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
