Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
