Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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