hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
