college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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