I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize
