I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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