Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
