You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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