Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
