You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
