you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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