I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
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