yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
